CONSTIPATED VAMPIRES AND MANLY MEN!
by StraightJacketPshyco-patient1
Summary: Bella's not Stephanie Meyers weak human any more she's a strong... cheating woman? and did she really like the Cullen diet? and how much trouble can she get in over seas read to find out. story is way better than summary. i'm just not good at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: OKAY EVERYONE THIS IS THE REWRITE OF CONSTIPATED VAMPIRES AND MANLY MEN.

BELLA'S POV

BRINNNNG!

Finally im finished with high school, Europe here I come baby! I say as I walk out of that place forever and head to my truck.

I'm definitely going to prolong the time for when I get changed, I really don't want to be changed by one of those freaks of unnatural nature. I mean seriously yeah I understand how your species is unnatural but how are you unnatural to your own unnatural kind? That just doesn't make sense to be and what im saying right now proboally doesn't either huh things like that are just sad! The thing that ticks me off about those freaks and makes me want to hate them is that they have the nerve to try and tell me what to do like who do they think they are? Obviously not the freaks they are already huff. I got into my car and started driving towards the Cullen home…more like a trap to me, trying to make it look welcoming shame.

When I finally got to the house there was no one there like at all so I just decide to welcome myself with their hidden key. Its hidden underneath the porch mat…so original. When I unlocked the door I was immediately hit with the noise of a bed creaking and male and female moans hmm Rosalie and Emmet must be home then where is their cars? Oh well its not my problem. I was on my way up to Edwards room when I noticed that the noises seemed to get louder. I walked over and opened the door to Edwards room when I opened it I found Edward on top of some chick moaning louder than ever.

"Well looks like someone's getting it in" I said from the doorway. As soon as he heard my voice he jumped up off of the bed so fast he was just a blur to me. When he was dressed he turned to me and started walking towards me.

"Bella its not what you think it is I met her while I was hunting and-" I cut him off beforehe could finish his explanation.

"You know what Edward it doesn't really matter, its proboally a good thing that you found her because I have some news that I think the whole family should hear so call them up and have your friend here okay?" I said to Edward then I turned to the girl and said "Oh and it was nice to meet you even though I had to see your ugly face…oh wow is that a giant mole on your nose…nasty I don't know how Edward could stand looking at your face as he fucked you." and I ended it with a smile then walked downstairs and ssat on the couch awaiting the family to come. After about five minuets the whole family finally showed up, standing all around me with sorrowful faces. Then Edward started to speak.

"Bella I only did that so that I wouldn't want you so much that I wouldn't hurt you." He had a like really hurt expression on his asshole face

"You know what that is a load of bullshit you and I both know that even that ugly slut over there. You need mental help if you really think that that is true, like really…asshole." I turned to the rest of the family "Did you guys know that he was with this ,,,thing? I asked. Alice answered my question.

"Yes I'm sorry, well most of us knew the only people that didn't know were Carlisle and Esme. The rest of us did know.

"Well its good to see some of you actually care about my wellbeing you ass hats. You know I actually-" I couldn't finish my sentence because I started laughing knowing good well I was just starting to make fun of these idiots.

Emmet asked me "Why are you laughing Bells?"

"I'm laughing because I really don't like you guys that much. I haven't really since uhh I met like the whole family and I have no reason to be mad or anything because I've been doing the same thing since you guys came back well before actually…so yeah" I smiled and looked at them.

"You've been cheating on me Bella?" Edward asked.

"Yes, yes I have and you have been clueless you must be really dumb or something or you have your head so far up your ass that you cant hear or smell anything… or, or maybe your sense were muffled by uglys' stinkin' pussie no?" the ugly chick just sat there spluttering looking like one of those ugly fish that be at the bottom of the sea, Emmet was snickering and Alice was still looking sadly as was Edward Carlisle Esme and Jasper. Rose looked like she really didn't care.

"Bella im so sorry that I didn't tell you when it first happened, he told me not to and- and- and I'm sorry!" Alice said and she started sobbing.

"Yeah well here's the other news I'm going to study abroad in Europe isn't that awesome and exciting" I said nodding my head feverantly while smiling. "Oh and Carlisle…Esme ill keep in contact with you guys. You want to know why?" they just looked at me questionably "Because you're the bomb diggity farealgitty giigity goo alright" I started laughing as I walked over to Carlisle and Esme… you know what I think im going to call Carlisle Pheobe…yeah Pheobe my trusty steed. I smile.

"What does that mean Bella? Seriously that made absolutely no sense…at all." She nodded her head.

"oh that's easy it means your cool fareal your getting it in then alright" I said energetically with a smile.

"Oh that's nice, that's nice honey…really" said Esme.

"Yeah I know, so uh I need a ride home like now because my car barely made it here."

"I could drive you BellyBoo." Said Emmet

"Actually you cant this job is only for the people in this family that I like and your not one of them its only Carlisle and Esme mmmhmm."

"Ill drive you Bella." Said Carlisle

"Actually I want you to run me over daddy C you wanna' know why?"

"Why"

"Because you're my trusty steed…Pheobe…yeah"

"Yeah I don't think so Bella" daddy C said looking at me incredulously

"Aw come on Pheobe ill give you a bloody carrot mm mm delicious all blood filled and junk."

"Fine but don't call me Pheobe…ill call you La La. Yeah that's a good name do you like your name La La?"

"You know what ill just stick with Pheobe…yeah. You get two bloody carrots. No?"

"Whatever just get on Bella " he said moving over towards me with his back bent over for me to climb on. I got on and I had a pretty good view from here.

"Hm its nice up here. Now giddy up Pheobe giddy up I want to ride away into the sun like, like in one of those cowboy movies…yeah cowboy." I said with a huge smile on my face.

And with that I rode into the sunset on my trusty steed Pheobe. "Neigh Pheobe neigh!"

"No"

"I said neigh!"

"I should whoop your ass" he said

"I should whoop your ass I could hit you right now and I'd be whooping your ass… because you're an ass!" "yeah understand that…you're my bitch now so neigh you bitchy ass neigh!"

"Neigh."

"Good boy Pheobe Good boy! Geuss what you get now!"

"What?"

…

A/N: ALRIGHT SO WAS THAT BETTER THAN THE FIRST TRY OF THIS STORY. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: HEY PEOPLE I KNOW I HAVENT UPDATED IN A LONG LONG TIME BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH MY STORIES ARE POINTLESS AND AS THOUGH I HAVE LOST MY WAY SO I AM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU NOW THATI MIGHT AND MIGHT NOT UPDATE FOR LIKE A LONG, LONG TIME BECAUSE I WISH TO TRULY FIND THE WRITER WITHIN ME AND NOT THE WRITER THAT WANTS TO HAVE A LAUGH AND WHAT NOT I WANT YOU READERS TO TRULY FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS IN MY STORIES WHETHER THEY BE GOOD OR BAD SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE…PLEASE

YOUR STRAIGHT JACKET PSHYCO PATIENT 1


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: ITS BACK BABY A WHOLE NEW CHAPPIE OF CONSTIPATED VAMPIRES AND MANLY MEN! WHOO ALRIGHT! WELL AS YOU ALL KNOW I HAVENT UPDATED IN LIKE FOREVER SO THE OTHER DAY I WAS REREADING MY STORIES ON FANFICTION LIKE THE NARCASSIST I AM LOL AND I WAS READING THIS ONE AND IT LITERALLY HAD ME CRACKING UP SO I SAID…I HAVE GOT TO UPDATE THIS STORY I DON'T KNOW HOW THOSE PEOPLE SURVIVED WITHOUT IT LOL SO HERE IT IS AN ALL NEW CHAPTER OF CONSTIPATED VAMPIRES

DISCLAMER: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT BUT I DO OWN THIS UHH THING UHH STORY NAME AND UHH…THE WAY THE STORY GOES YEAH THAT'S GOOD ALRIGHT! CONTIPATED VAMPIRES AND MANLY MEN PEOPLE!

BELLA'S POV

"A blood filled carrot whoo!" as soon as I said carrot his eyes got all huge and glassy with desire…for a carrot…not the blood part but the carrot….un be freakin' liveable this man is really sick in the vamp mind. "Put me down Pheobe my trusty steed" then Carlisle puts me down ad=nd I stand to look at him incredulously. "you cant be serious Pheobe like really no reaction for the blood but a carrot?" he just looks at me as though his carrot likingness isn't that bad.

"Its really not Isabella you like carrots too don't you? It is completely normal…normal" then he has the nerve to smile. I swear this man-steed sometimes…he makes me laugh…and worry.

"You know what Carlisle yeah I said your other human vamp. Name lets just drop the subject so that you can get me home and I can pack…okay? I said to him as though I were talking to a preschooler.

"Yes and I will completely disregard your choice in voicing and uh we can move on from this situation" he quickly flashes his abs, flings me on his back and runs in the direction of my house only stopping when we actually got in my room. "Well Isabella I guess this is the last time I will be seeing you my daughter." He quickly gives me a hug and as he does so I quickly say…

"as I you my trusty steed" he jumps from the window, and I will never see his blonde hair and golden eyes for awhile. Then I start packing and making my way downstairs on may way to be in a whole new country with a whole new language…..wait….i don't know how to speak French ,Italian or any language except for English…oh…lord

A/N:OKAY SO ITS NOT THAT MUCH ITS JUST THAT WELL I DON'T HAVE TOO MANY IDEAS RIGHT NOW SO IF YOU GUYS COULD SEND ME SUGGESTIONS AND REVIEW THAT WOULD BE GREAT….KEY WORD REVIEW HAHA SERIOUSLY THOUGH REVEW AND SUGGEST BECAUSE I WONT UPDATE WITHOUT THAT HAVE A NICE DAY


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:OKAY ALL SO…HERES UHHHH DAMN….MY MINDS TOTALLY BLANK LIKE SERIOUSLY YOU KNOW HOW I SAID MY STORIES COME TO ME IN MY HEAD AND LIKE GUIDE ME? WELL…ITS NOT HAPPNIN' AND I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A CHAPTER WHEN I KNOW ITS GONNA BE CRAPPY BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANNA SUBJECT YOU TO THE MINDLESSNESS OF A CHAPTER THAT WILL SEEM TO GO ON FOREVER. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IM GONNA HAVE BELLA AND LAURENT GO IN 'A NEW BEGINNING WITH MANY TWISTS' AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IM GONNA HAVE BELLA DO IN 'CONSTIPATED VAMPIRES AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS GONNA HAPPEN IN 'BEAM ME UP SCOTTIE ARG. I FEEL REALLY BAD YOU GUYS….I MEAN LIKE REALLY I THINK IM GONNA CRY. ILL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW AND AGAIN IM SORRY


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